Blogging is hard

Writing blogs, at least for me, is one of the harder things i have ever tried to do.

I guess I imagine a reader who is as critical as I am of things, perhaps everything.

Depending on how cocky or conceited you think I am, you may consider me completely ignorant of how I sound to other people. Perhaps a few of you think that I have no idea my effect on other people or that I have no knowledge of how different I seem to other people.

I know that I come across as perhaps over-emotional and very sophomore. I also realize that I have had a really difficult time communicating the deeper things that I think about. As everyone I have ever met, I of course feel I have very intelligent, important things to talk about. Just like everyone else, however, I also know that I am an extremely poor judge of what will be considered intelligent, interesting or anything else to other people.

In retrospect, I don't find the really interesting bits of things I come up with in the blog. One of the things I really enjoy doing is shocking people with a deep or clever insight. I love the look in someone's eyes when you say something that they really consider to be abstract or interesting. It seems that my ability to do this is based, at least partly, on social circumstances. I cannot do it in writing; it is something I have to feel the flow of the conversation to really do it well.

I also feel, however, that it is at least partly rude or perhaps even violent to do it at will. Because I love to do it so much I really never considered the fact that it might upset someone or make someone feel uncomfortable. In a way it kind of rips control away from the person you do it too. A lot of times it may even be just showing off; perhaps a super sophisticated way to bully someone.

I guess the sad part of it also is that I appreciate sophistication and extremely subtle communication. Unfortunately the type of people who I would usually do it to may be exactly the type of people who would be most upset or uncomfortable with someone coming in and doing it to them.

Anyway, this is hard for me. I walk a line between trying to be unemotional enough to be intellectually stimulating while trying to also have the courage to express things that are hard for me; the expression of such does leave me a little more open than I am otherwise comfortable with.

Chris