Busy Life

I am right now feeling pretty drained from a long, intense conversation with Ceci. We met at a coffee shop, we went over problems we were having on a professional level, and we thought about ways to address them. For 3 hours, we spoke at very deep levels and it was very healthy and gave me a lot of things to think about, but it also really took my energy away.

I was hoping to go to the Avalon with my dance partner, but she is busy dealing with a persistent ex-boyfriend. She is dating someone who sounds wonderful, so it isn't a situation where the ex has a chance but he isn't giving up easily (which I find admirable). She will have to put him down hard, and I think tonight it will happen. But I needed to just forget about the stresses in my life and dance, so in a selfish way I am totally bummed.

So because I am overwhelmed and tired, this post is going to be more self-centered than most of my posts, which is saying a lot.

This is my current schedule:
Dance three times a week.
Jiu Jitsu two to three times a week.
Soccer twice a week.
Run once or twice a week.
Personal workout (pushups and back exercises) once a week.
Pushing a product to release in the next few months (roughly 40-50 hours/week commitment).
Serious practice singing, 1 hour or more once a week-ish.

I don't have time to breathe. The problem is, each of these things are things that when I am done I always think "Man, I really love this".

There was a time in my life where I was playing a lot of video games but really not achieving anything else. At one point I made a commitment to stop playing video games and other distracting things and just work towards being places in life where I really want to be.

But how much can a person really absorb in a daily basis? What is a limit on focus and effectiveness? I know that I can't do very good computer science more than 6-8 hours in a day. I just loose the ability to focus very hard after a while. I have about 4 hours in the morning where I am extremely focused, and probably the other 2 to four are give and take.

But I don't find that doing other things significantly detracts from my work. I find that the combination of all these things allows me to handle situations I otherwise would have difficulty because I have so many other things I can focus on, and at least one of them is always a nice distraction from something.

You could argue that my life is indeed filled with distractions, and this isn't allowing me to deal with personal issues that I really need to deal with. But the simple fact is that I am someone who really likes to get things done. When I stop and smell the roses, as people like to put it, I sneeze and get bored. So in some ways, I don't give a shit that I am not dealing with personal issues. I have them, everyone does, and so be it.

I try to be open to whatever opportunities life gives me, and just go with the flow. The problem is that the opportunities you are given aren't always the opportunities you really want. The question is are they the opportunities you need?

I would like, at some level, to be in a relationship (if my previous posts didn't give you and idea how painfully badly I would like this). But I have had so many disappointments and upsetting situations regarding relationships that I really don't know how much effort I am willing to put into this.

It feels like I want that opportunity, but life isn't cooperating. So I am not complaining, I am just going with what is given.

I have noticed that in general you can't capitalize off an opportunity you aren't ready for. So sure, a percentage of success is luck. But there is a hell of a lot of preparation involved in being ready for that opportunity and being able to make something of it when it happens.

Muhammad Ali used to say: "The fight is won or lost far away from witnesses - behind the lines, in the gym, and out there on the road, long before I dance under those lights. ". I really like that quote as I believe it signifies a large portion of my life.

The question becomes how much effort have I put myself into w/r/t accepting a relationship? Is it worthwhile to assume that my lack of success in this area is a result of not doing the groundwork required to be able to capitalize on these situations when they occur? Perhaps it is in not being in a position to even get the opportunity in the first place? What exactly does putting yourself into a position of being ready for a relationship really mean, exactly? Does it mean working on empathetic communication styles? Does it mean ensuring you will be able be a resource and not a burden on the person you are with?

Anyway, that is just an observation. When it comes down to the details, I am not sure I want someone sleeping next to me at night. I enjoy sex, don't get me wrong, but I don't always enjoy having someone else in the bed at night. Perhaps I just think I want a relationship because that seems like a logical thing that will make me a little less lonely. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, however, and usually when I am in one I am not measurably more happen than when I am not. Only at the beginning, when I am still infatuated with the person am I really pumped.

How much of my loneliness comes from an inability to connect with lots of people? Perhaps I am attempting to mask my inability to connect with a lot of people by having one person I have a super connection with. Is this really the healthiest thing I could be worrying about, or could I perhaps worry about connecting with people in the general sense?

What exactly is the goal of all this? What does being healthy really mean for any one individual? Does it mean you are happy? Does it mean you are content?

I have noticed that I grow the most in life in general when I am the most unhappy. There is some significant part of adapting to new situation and learning things about yourself that involves just fundamentally being uncomfortable, if not unhappy. I would say that my strongest trait is my clear vision, but a close second is my ability to adapt and try out odd situations. But then, to fully utilize this second trait don't I need to continually put myself into tough situation where I am not going to be the happiest person in the world but I am definitely going to learn things and grow to be a greater person than I was?

I leave with you an observation, which seems appropriate considering the number of questions I listed. Rarely are the people who contribute most to society by my measures the happiest (or healthiest). So at some level, perhaps you need to weigh your ability to be ok with tough situations with your desire to contribute great things.

Chris